I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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