you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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