you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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