Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
