I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
