your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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