Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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