Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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