Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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