I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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