remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
bring money and cleavage
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
