Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
try to milk me bitch
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