I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
