She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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