So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
