I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
