Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
