Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize