I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
