Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
