chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
