Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just googled if crying burns calories
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
