Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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