Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I could make wine with my vomit
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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