The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
