one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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