Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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