At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
