I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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