just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
