You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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