i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
