I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
