I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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