James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
