Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
