walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
