The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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