You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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