YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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