Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
