she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize