It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
