My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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