i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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