I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
