dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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