Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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