you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
