I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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