I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
