I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
