I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize