oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
