the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize