i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
