I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
