Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
