I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
