you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
