I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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