I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
