I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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