i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
